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. can you return romance to a long-term relationship that has gone flat? john gray tells you what is realistic mars-venus style. and how one man went from marriage to divorce to friendship with his ex. i am susan sykora. that is on "bay area focus" next.
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welcome to "bay area focus." i'm susan sykora. thursday is valentine's day, which with can bring unrealistic expectations for romance, including for couples who have been together for a long time. as the heated excitement of a new relationship cools off into the everydayness of life much how do you rekennel that everyday passion, or can you? welcome back, relation expert and on all things mars and venus, dr. john gray. welcome back. >> thank you, susan, a pleasure to always be on your show. >> good, and happy -- . >> happy thanksgiving? >> happy valentine's day. >> okay. >> what holiday? >> okay. and we want to talk about couples being together and marriages. light not restrict it to that. some people are in long-term relationships. >> yes. >> and i know you don't address
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gay relationships per shea and they're long-term. >> that's right. >> and don't people change and, if so, should the you expect it not to be all, everybody's going to be hot and bothered like in the beginning? >> when you hear the same song over and over issue you may love the song but after awhile, you get sick of it if the song doesn't change. people can change and if they continue to grow in a relationship instead of becoming stale, the same person over and over and over, can you rekindle the pack. one of the as -- easy ways is holidays. you go in and do something new and different. >> and let's talk about the changing, you know, for a second and suppose for instance, you have a couple, any couple. one person changes and grows and does new things, all of the good stuff and the other person is the same person. >> and, again, if you stay the same, you're boring and bored with yourself and with the rap.
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plan something together. >> , h. >> something you don't normally do. if you go anywhere new and different, we're happy we're on vacations. we're seeing sights and that is gettings out of our ruts and stimulates our romance hormones. we're new to each other. >> that is the excitement. >> and newness stimulates the brain. >> okay. suppose you have a couple who are growing and doing all the good things and they grow in two different directions and now, you don't like the, you know, when i married you, you were somebody else and now you're this. i am not sure i like the new person. >> and that can happen and another thing, which is also could be happening. i call it the four rs. resistance is first. the partner does something you don't like, you don't talk about it and deal with it, and that turns into resentment. you resent some of the things your partner does and said. you don't find resolution or anything about it. it builds and turns into
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something else. you don't feel the resentment but rejection. at that point, whatever your partner wants to do, you don't want to do that. you're not interested in what they want and you don't know you're being affected by the repressed resentment. after awhile, if you don't get a divorce and people in california do get divorces, right, but if you stay together in rejection, you're doing two different worlds, like roommates with two different lives and that goes into repression and you're like this comfortable couple and there is no passion between you and you have dinner with them. >> ef year, if i were a betting woman, i would put money right now. some time this week, you will see at least one story of some older couple that is in their 90s and married for 15 years. the thing is i still love her and him.
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isn't that nice? i wonder is that passionate at that point or is it just -- and that we're used to each other. some people stay in relationships because they don't want to be alone. >> they are ash trad it won't work out there and that is logical. if it doesn't work here, it's probably not going to work there and wherever we go, we have couples and they love each other and made it work, you know, and some people do succeed in relationships. >> and to the big thing here. sex. does it have to happen all of the time and are we -- let me phrase that. >> and does that have to happen? >> we're designed to have sex until we die. people have sex at 100 years ole. >> really? and woman at one hundred dollars years old can have baby and 70 years ole. we're designed to have sex and that is proof tone cause you to
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live 10 years longer and to have less heart disease and less problems. once that is in the way of the regular sex drive that brought us together in the first place, quite often, with the love and other situations and that is a big part. that is why my marriage is special. i only have sex with my wife. a love a lot of people and interact with them and sometimes i spend more time with other people than my wife, but i only have sex with my wife and i share my life with my wife and that is that sacred partnership. >> do we put too much on sex in the sense that? >> we repress it quay too much. >> it's -- all we do is think about it. we don'tco it. >> do we make -- we don't do it. >> do we maybe it more important than it should be? if the sex works, everything will be fine? >> and when we repress, we make a big deal out of it. people are not doing it as much
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as you think. >> and okay. >> om a therapist will knows what happens in the bedroom. i know we're having people today who amicably divorced. >> yeah. >> and there is always situations. when people come to me and say we want to get a divorce, of course is fine and they're never having sex and that is great. you can create one but takes the understanding, like if you want to fix your car, you have to understand it and cared if are harder to fix. womennier in -- are inning about trouble. why? they're being men during the day and want to come home and be women and it's hard it make that transition. and hormones of sex for woman areoxy foesin. testosterone inhibits ocytocin which diminishes a woman's response. >> you don't think we're going to go home and make cup cakes
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all day, do you? [ laughter ] >> seriously. i don't -- and in fact, aren't women getting married later and older? >> and actually, making cupcakes does produce oxytocin. >> get out. >> and that will be good for you to go home and make cupcakes after this. >> and you have to be kidding me. >> they make a little bit of oxytocin. go get a maage is and your hair done and have someone massage your feet. girly hormones lower women's stress and make them more sexually responsive. >> we have to take a break. don't get a massage, just coffee. >> let's not produce oxytocin. >> reporter: want to find out if the -- >> want to find out if the online stuff is taking that away from us. when we return.
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. >> single woman make more. >> welcome back. the conversation goes on with dr. john gray. he's the relationship expert. how many books have you written? >> 23. >> 23 books on mars-venus. doing -- mars-vines making cupcakes, okay. whatever they're going it do. and you were saying that women should be doing girly -- i don't mind polishing my nails. >> you look beautiful. >> thank you very much. >> very feminine. >> i'm not making the cupcakes.
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you can't send women backwards. they're not going to go. i think younger girls -- . >> was not sending women backwards but it's called balance. you can't forsake your femininity and what creates feminine hormones to move forward. can you balance them. it used to be women were unbalanced before but in a different way. when you're in the world of mother, you're masculine, organizing everything, you're ceo of the company and you're doing nurturing activities. now when women are in the workplace, it's not as nurturing and the nurturing hormone is something that is directly related to a woman's stress level. women's stress levels in the workplace today are twice as high as men and this is morable. >> okay. >> this is cortisol and when they come home from work, the stress levels are four times higher than mens and that is the stress hormone is reduced by testosterone and if you're doing jobs requiring urgency, emergency, sacrifice, you do it
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for the money and go through the crime -- grind, that helps men become men. look what i did? a woman can do the same thing, feel proud and good and did not generate the hormones her body requires. >> all right. >> and she has to balance that with a superromantic rap. >> and sounds like she has a lot to do and a long day here. >> and woman have a challenge today. i sympathize with what i do. i try to help them understand their bodies so they can sleep better, so their depression goes away, anzy they goes away and they get off of the crazy meds and don't get cancer. >> we're in a time when woman went after the workplace, and not necessarily because they wanted to. >> oh, no, you started it all. >> and you wanted to do it, you did it and i'm supportive of it. >> tough economic times, john. >> and now you created a mess. >> this is what happens. a man goes out and mays money to buy a house that costs x. now you have a man and woman going out doubling the income.
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guess what they do? they raise the value of property double. >> purple? >> and that is society's fault. >> okay. >> and that is not going to get us anywhere. >> and what we can do is compensate for it and understand that a man can play a big role in helping his wife about this whole -- be this whole person, masculine and feminine. >> uh. >> commune caution is a thing and -- communication is romantic. >> and you said the woman makes more money than the man. that is a romance killer. >> and that is -- that does not have to be a romance killer but a source of stress for men. >> uh-huh. >> when they make money, their stress levels go down. when they make more money than their lives, their stress levels go down more. i will have -- they have to find other ways. >> sometimes the job requiring that money is another stress, isn't it? >> huge for women and for a man, men are confident and make good money, their stress levels are low. you see the guys indifferent
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than their families and live longer than their wives? that is what happens. >> why why? >> and i am not encouraging that. the man feels successful in his life with work, his stress levels will be way down. >> okay. >> a woman can be successful with her work and stress levels go up. she needs to have personal relationships to lower stress. that is not the way i lower stress. >> okay. and let's go to the online thing. >> this is physiologist what i'm talking about. >> all right. okay. >> and you're the ph.d here. >> all right. >> and we're in a high-tech world. everyone is with the phones and looking and doing with the apps and the whole routine. >> impersonal. what helps men doesn't help women. >> why does it help men? >> anything impersonal, think about it. ninety% of all pornography is men. they're attracted to impersonal relationships. isn't that bizarre? >> why is that? >> to women, it's bizarre. >> you look at a little boy, he doesn't look in your eyes but
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things. he likes trucks, he likes this and airplanes. things can you move with your hands, mechanical impersonal objects in order to serve someone. yes, we have big hearts, but we first focus on the mechanical side of life. >> and why are woman focusing, too? >> no, cosmetics. women do 90% of cosmetics and 90% of fashion. billboard of -- billbores everywhere, women and jewelry. how do i look? how do you feel? >> is any that is because the part of the brain having to deal with relationships is twice as big as women. >> and the lipstick on the phones online, right? >> that's right. >> and they're getting into that, too. >> i'm just saying that the immediate gratification of high- technology day does have a substractive affect on both men and women. >> okay. >> that is why -- a part of why we have a lot of divorce in california. everything is easy here. immediate gratification. if you don't get what you want for your partner right away, you find someone else and you wake up and you're 70 years old and you realize i think i
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missed something out in life and that is called character. you make a commitment and stick with it. you have problems in your relationship, you overcome them. >> yes, sir. >> you get the knowledge you need in order to overcome the problems and have a great rap for your children. your children deserve two happy parents. and light back up. >> most people don't know how to do it. >> okay. >> and that is why i keep doing it. i save marriages every day and that is because people don't know how to stay together. >> online dating. >> and there is find god's match for you. >> a lot of people get together and some don't. some get together at their church. a lot of people don't and there is these different ways. >> and is there a best way to meet men? >> where you're not looking for the perfect person or the soul mate, but your objective is to have a positive, fun time.
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>> uh-huh. >> and that is expecting as and looking for perfection making us look judgemental. if i was visiting your house, i would see how beautiful you decorated it and if i went there and i wanted to buy it, i would be looking for cracks in the foundation and mole and -- mold looking for a problem. we should create a positive series of dating experiences without thinking of getting married or soul meat or perfect person and do not run people through tests and dating experts say get down to it and don't waste your time. >> that is non-sense. have a good time and when you want a relationship, they appear in front of you if you'reil balanced. >> if you have a relationship that you think needs tweaking, there is a seminar to take between march 14th through the 17th at your ranch where? >> mendocino. >> and that is not that far. we'll have that information and more. and you're doing a daily pod cast every day? >> a leava knower question and answers, people write in their questions and i sunday my
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answers. i love doing it. >> this week, when you give the questions about cupcakes. [ laughter ] >> and we'll give you cupcake recipes, ladies, to help strengthen -- . >> john gray, thank you for being here. >> you're welcome. >> also a pleasure. >> stay with us, we're going to meet a man who is friends with his ex.
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welcome back. how do you restart your life after a long-term relationship ends? will you ever stop wondering why it happened and when you will feel okay? is it possible or helpful to be friends with yourex? a san francisco investment
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expert and writer, bruce bellrosen, faced all of this after his 25-year marriage ended in divorce and he describes it in his book. if you ever need me, i won't be far away and welcome. good to you have here. >> thank you. >> and it's pretty large. >> uh-huh. >> basically, you described the marriage. you had a 25-year marriage to sue? >> right. >> and what happened? tell me about the marriage. >> the marriage was almost a marriage made in heaven and my mother, a very, very gifted psychic and healer gave me a teeny reading in grad school and i went home to where she was living in the hills of southern california and asked for a tea leaf reading. she said i am going to give you, i am looking into your cup and i see valentine's everywhere. valentine's and cupids. she said i understand and i can
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see the wish is to meet the woman you will one day marry, she said. it's going to happen. you can't find her, she'll find you and there is no way you're going to find her. is i said describe her to me and she described her, a blonde- hair, blue-eyed woman and thought she was a genius and said this woman will be as intelligent as you, a big complement to the woman. i said to her at the end of the reading, i said, mom, give me a name. what is her name? do you see a name. and she spelled out the name in the cup and said sue, s-u-e, you see it? i saw it spelled out and did that -- did i believe i would meet a sue and marry her? >> no. >> and -- you met someone named sue? >> i said to my mom, i said there is a suzanne i know, but she's dark-haired. >> and okay -- . >> and i will get there.
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>> the marriage, how was the marriage? 25 years, you had two sons. >> well. >> and describe yourself as good parents. >> yes. >> and i go up to san francisco, i come home and there is a phone call that rigs and there is a long-distance call, wrong number, her name is sue, we send pictures back and forth and i look at the photograph, and i said no doubt, that is the woman i will marry one day. we did and had two children. to get to your question, we had two children and they are 26 and 23 now. we went to grad school and had a close, loving relationship and close family. >> what happened? you got divorced. >> what happens, i think over tie, you know and john gray talked about this, the romance was lost, the intimacy was lost. i became the breadwinner, as he
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talked about, and that issue. sue became the mother, i think, intimacy and -- it was lost. love was never lost. >> uh-huh. >> and you talk about having an affair. >> yeah. >> did you know the relationship or did she end it because of that? >> i went to new york to buy a piano for my son. he was graduating and i went tosteinway and i meet this woman, she was a concert pianist and there was an incredible chemistry that i think not resist and sheik not resist and it yateed a -- created a long-distance, mainly telephone, incredibly chemical reaction relationship and we shared so much. in my relationship with sue, she found out about the
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relationship and it was not sexual as -- i want mat or sexual but emotional. and the that made her, drove her crazy. >> uh. >> and there is more about that in the book. >> yes. >> let's get to the part when you think you should be friends with sue. is that because you have children together? >> i think sue and i will always be friends. we love each other and there is a deep spiritual soul connection, if you will. >> , huh. >> and i think we understand what brought us together and that is not something you can cut off. >> for people going through a divorce are saying i could never be friends with myex. what she put me through, whatever. >> and there is some people who are not friends that divorce because heir not friends and may never be friends -- they're not friends although there are
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things they can do together to try to bring this wills and families close. i think it's important for a family to be close together. >> and question, if you never had children, would you have wanted to be friends with her and made the effort to work? >> absolutely j. because? >> i respect her, i love the person she is. i recognize what brought us together in the first place. we came together before we had kids. >> uh. >> and i recognize the very special person, the wise person, the friend that she is and the fact that we're not married anymore that ask not take away the -- that does not take away the friendship. >> thank you for being here. i'm sorry, we're out of time. you can meet bruce in person for his talk on how to find joy in life, despite the obstacles wednesday, february 13th at 5:15 p.m. for more information and tickets, call the number and visit the website on your
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screen. we leave you now with scenes from the bay area's popular musical "wicked." it runs through february 17th. i'm susan sykora. thank you for watching.

Bay Area Focus With Susan Sikora
KBCW February 10, 2013 8:00am-8:30am PST


TOPIC FREQUENCY Us 6, Oxytocin 3, John Gray 3, California 2, San Francisco 2, Dr. John Gray 2, Areoxy Foesin 1, Valentine 's 1, Look Judgemental 1, Maage 1, J.r. Media Services 1, Om 1, Inc. 1, H. 1, Leava Knower 1, Bruce 1, Venus 1, New York 1, Southern California 1, Heaven 1
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